Warning: This is going to be largely a rant…however; some of this might resonate with others, so read if you want. Or ignore! It’s cool either way.
I’ve been all over the map mentally and emotionally lately. This is somewhat to be expected considering I’m on the brink of the biggest life change I’ve ever experienced. I just sold my house, accepted my offer for a Ph.D. program, moved back in with my parents, and have absolutely no idea where I will be living or what life will look like 4 months from now. All of that allows me to feel off overwhelmed, right?
Wrong. All of that allows me to feel a bit uncertain. But can we honestly ever say we know what life will look like a few months from right now? This moment. Right now. Is the only sure thing, and even that is in a constant state of flux based on the choices we make. I like to think I’m a rational intelligent person, but why is it that I find myself asking, “When are things going to be easy?”
This concept of the “easy road” has been one that has haunted me for quite some time. I find myself falling into the spiral of “If I only lost some weight, if I was only in a relationship, if I only had another degree, if I only had a less stressful job…..” THEN life would be easy. It would be carefree. Things would come naturally. I wouldn’t have to try so freaking hard.
At the bottom of that spiral is one simple truth: SCREW EASY.
Easy is safe, it’s tame. It’s never allowing ourselves to experience moments that bring us face to face with fear, pain, despair, and sheer emptiness and unknowing that allow us to truly change and break barriers. Human beings are warriors. We fight, we scream, we bleed, we cry, we cuss, we shut out those closest to us, we fail. But we learn.
So from the bottom of my current spiral:
Easy would be settling for the job I’m in. I’m jumping head first into the unknown of going back to school.
Easy would be staying in Omaha. I’m uprooting everything I’ve known for a new adventure.
Easy would be wasting my life counting calories and living on a treadmill. Instead, I’m showing up and giving whatever I have in me (which admittedly isn’t always much) at my CrossFit gym…and improving, slowly, no matter how tiny my baby steps seem. And I’m eating. Food. Lots and lots of REAL food.
Easy would be lowering my standards to simply “have a boyfriend”. I’m forging through on my own and respecting myself enough to know that I won’t settle in my relationships, and that I deserve better.
Be a fucking warrior. Rant over. Now go eat something!
Peace, Love, and Paleo.