Sweet Baby Jesus, Garlic Dill Mayo!

dill mayo

I’m not even lying when I tell you that this mayo is SO beyond insane that I stood in my kitchen finding reasons to put it on things so I could lick the spoon.  I mean really, who the hell stands around eating mayo!?!?  Apparently I do, and it’s because this stuff is FREAKING delicious!  Like completely out of control and life changing.  LIFE CHANGING FOLKS!

Honestly, I wasn’t planning on blogging tonight.  I was going to cook a simple dinner, take it easy, and just call it a relaxing night.  And then that damned mayo happened…..and I feel guilty NOT sharing it with you guys.

With that being said, there are a couple of tricks to making paleo mayo.  It can be quite finnicky, but if you just find some patience it’s really pretty easy.  Minimal ingredients, a little bit of time, a LOT of calm and love in your heart, and you have magical mayo at the end! Plus, it makes a good amount!  I can’t wait to use this to make crazy good salads!  I’m thinking some sort of sweet potato salad….probably with bacon.  OOOOOH!  Or a BLT chicken salad!  Yep, that’s happening.  Stay tuned for that one, it’s gonna be good.  I can tell already! See! So much joy, from just a little jar of mayo 🙂

Garlic Dill Mayo

  • 2 egg yolks (save the whites for breakfast!)
  • 1 lemon, juiced (you want about 2-3 tablespoons of fresh lemon juice)
  • 1 cup Extra Light Tasting Olive Oil, seriously, DON’T use regular Extra Virgin, it won’t come together correctly……you could play around with other oils here as well or combinations, but you are going to want it to be a majority of oil that will stay in a liquid state (AKA NOT all coconut oil)
  • 2 tablespoons fresh dill (or 1 tablespoon dried dill)
  • 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon onion powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt

***My directions below are using a food processor.  You COULD whisk by hand or with a hand mixer, or hell, you could even use a blender, but ain’t nobody got time for that!  Let the food processor do all the work!***

  1. In the bowl of your food processor add your egg yolks and the juice from half of your lemon. Pulse it a couple of times to combine.
  2. Set the processor on the lowest setting.  While it is mixing, SLOWLY add in your oil.  Seriously, I’m talking a few drops at a time for probably the first 1/4 cup of oil added.  It WILL take time and patience!!!  Just keep the processor running!  When you have created a emulsion, the mixture will start to thicken and turn opaque.  At this point, you can begin to add in your oil a bit more at a time.  I will warn you, err on the side of adding oil VERY slowly! Once you break the emulsion by adding it too quickly, you are screwed and the mayo is trash!
  3. Once all of the oil has been incorporated (it took me upwards of about 7 minutes to get all of it added) you can stop the processor.  You should have a thick and AWESOME looking mayo!!  Yay! You did it!
  4. At this point, scrape down the sides of the bowl and add in the remaining lemon juice as well as the dill and the spices.  Pulse it a few times to mix everything into the mayo.
  5. Taste!!!  Adjust seasoning as needed, just be prepared to want to eat mayo straight off the spoon.  Welcome to being a weirdo!  Sorry to have sealed this fate for you…
  6. Store it in closed container in the fridge.  It keeps as long as eggs normally would, but seriously, I’d be surprised if mine makes it a full week in my fridge!

The uses for this are totally endless.  Like I said earlier, I’m hoping to bring you an epic mayonnaise based salad here sometime soon.  That just sounds SO FREAKING good right now, not to mention, it kind of screams summer! If all else fails, just smear some of this on top of some grilled or broiled salmon and you will be a happy little camper!  See!!

dill mayo salmon

Peace, Love, and Paleo Mayo!

-Meister

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Falling Off the Wagon

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PSA for the day: HEY! Get active in your local government! VOTE SUCKAS!!

Let’s be honest, we’ve all done it.  We’ve ALL cheated at some point when it comes to food.  Some times turn out to be more epic fails than others, but nevertheless, slips/choices/occasions/poor judgement/saying screw it HAPPENS…..and when it happens, you find yourself in your own version of guilt-ridden hell.  For me, that included eating potato oles from a Taco John’s connected to a gas station in Mason City, Iowa, wearing my sunglasses indoors and just generally hating my life.  So let’s recap where things went awry on my mini-vacay, and most importantly, how I’m getting back ON the wagon!

Planning ahead was what saved me on the first half of this adventure.  Knowing I had a 6 hour trip ahead of me, I stocked up on quick and easy things to take in the cooler in the car.  I packed some deli meat, some plantain chips, and some grassfed beef sticks.  I also, thinking I was being smart by doing so, packed some hard cider.  The thing is, I knew I was going to want to drink, and I knew I was going to want something “beer” ish instead of wine or cocktails, so I planned for a gluten-free option.  ALL WAS WELL!  My folks were totally cool with scoping out a place for our dinner stop that would have options for me.  Have I mentioned that they are awesome?  Well they are.  I got myself a salad with plenty of meat and fresh veggies.  Managed to keep it totally paleo on evening 1 of the trip.  Kudos to me!

Day 2 was AMAZING!  I watched my cousin Jamie graduate and got to enjoy the many festivities that went with that!  Food wise, I was a mess from the minute the day started.  The ONLY breakfast options even remotely OK for me to eat at the hotel were these egg omelet things that had cheese in them. I made them work.  Lunch ended up being super late, and eaten at a Chipotle….so that got me a bit closer to my paleo love.  Loaded up on meat and veggies and guac!  Then I proceeded to begin my descent into stupidity.  I started drinking cider.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.  However, they were SUPER delicious!  Soooo delicious in fact, I chose to drink the ENTIRE sampler pack. Again, I’m an idiot.

crispin sampler

Yeah, those are each 22 oz. bottles.  I’m stupid sometimes.

Needless to say, the shit storm just continued from there.  Ate very little dinner because it was catered in Italian and I knew I didn’t want to touch pasta or it would be a disaster.  Little did I know, I was headed for disaster anyway!

So the cousins, the brother, and I decided to go out and enjoy some nightlife.  We were all very responsible and got a ride both ways.  Ain’t nobody got time for drunk driving.  NOT OK!  We ended up at a piano bar, had a GREAT time, and just had a fantastically silly evening.  It’s honestly been way too long since we’ve done that!  Although, I did realize I can no longer hang with 22 year olds.  It hurts too much.  I’ve moved well beyond that point in my life.

Fast forward to the next morning, and I was SICK!  I mean, super sick.  The revisiting your meals, sleeping on the bathroom floor, praying to God and swearing that you will never drink again, SICK! Needless to say, I was a disaster.  But again, since my Mom is awesome, she just kept saying, “I’ll come back in an hour and see if you are good to go yet!”  Oh yeah, this was also Mother’s Day, so I’m a complete A-Hole.  At some point, I asked my brother if he could perform an exorcism.  No luck there. So I loaded my sorry ass in the car, took some meds, drank a CRAP ton of water, and passed out in the back of the car……4 hours after our original departure time. About an hour later we pull into the aforementioned Taco John’s, my brother alerts me to the fact that I look like “a hot mess” and I proceed to smash on potato oles and a Diet Dr. Pepper.  Fixed my hangover RIGHT UP! But contributed to the continued feeling of grossness in my belly.

So, after all of this ridiculous rambling about my own stupidity, it has to be said that I at least know that I can ALWAYS come back to the paleo way.  Since I’ve gotten home, I’ve eaten as cleanly as possible. Loading up on lots of quality proteins and veggies in order to set my body straight.  Here are just a few delicious things I’ve made:

grill night

Little brother grilled the SHIT out of some steaks, asparagus, and zucchini! So good!

broiled salmon

Broiled salmon over a salad….eaten outside! Mostly because it’s too freaking hot in my house to eat inside…

So see!  Falls happen.  Hardcore.  It’s never too late and you are never too far gone to get back after it.  You are worth it, and your guts will be happy when you do! Peace, Love, and Paleo!

-Meister

Salmon Patties for a Crazy Weekend

As I type this, there are 5 dozen freshly baked Paleo chocolate chunk cookies sitting on my counter….straight from the oven.  My mouth is literally watering and all I can think about is the smell of those damn cookies!  But on the upside, I haven’t had ANY of them…..so I’m sticking to my Whole30!  Boom.  Those broads at the baby shower tomorrow better eat every single last one of those cookies…..otherwise I’m giving them away.  There is NO way they are coming back into my house!  I’m not sure I could resist any longer….

This weekend was completely insane.  Yesterday was packed full of a great “mystery” workout, a fabulous nutrition seminar, some lunch with a rockin’ crew, then a wedding with a group of people I haven’t seen in WAY too long!  Today, I was up entirely too early and hit the ground running!  For real, I don’t know what it is lately, but I have been sleeping FANTASTICALLY!!  I’m chocking it up to the PurePharma Magnesium/Zinc supplement I started taking.  That shit is legit.  I’m kind of in love with it.  So I was a powerhouse today in terms of getting stuff done.  I cleaned my house, planned meals, mowed the lawn, had dinner at my parents’ house, went grocery shopping, and baked those damned cookies.  I’m tired just re-reading that.  Ugh.

On top of everything, it was abso-freaking-lutely GORGEOUS this weekend!  I opened up my entire house, I wore shorts and flip flops, and I got a little bit of color from mowing the lawn.  Heck yes.  FINALLY! It just better stay this way.  Or I’m going to become a stupid sullen teenager over it.  So yes.  Epic weather, epic weekend, less than epic post.  Sorry friends.

I made these salmon patties a while back and they were pretty awesome.  I got a little worried because they were kind of crumbly before they cooked, but they held together beautifully! Not to mention they were pretty delicious!  Anyways, I made another batch of them to snack on throughout the weekend because I knew it was gonna be crazy, and they got me through like a charm!

salmon patties

I topped mine with some of my homemade red sauce and served them up with some roasted veggies!

Salmon Patties

  • 2 cans salmon drained, get the higher quality stuff without a bunch of extra junk in it (I know it looks totally gross in the can…..just deal with it quickly and break it up, you can do it!)
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tablespoon coconut flour
  • 2 tablespoons dried minced onion
  • 1 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon pepper
  • 10-15 basil leaves, finely chopped
  • 5 sundried tomatoes, finely chopped
  1. Mix all ingredients together in a bowl. Make sure you incorporate everything well.
  2. In a deep skillet, melt down 2 tablespoons coconut oil.
  3. Form your mixture into patties.  I got 8 out of mine.  You want them to be a little on the thicker side, about 1/2 inch thick so that they don’t fall apart.  When forming your patties, be sure they are tightly packed…..or they will crumble!
  4. Saute your salmon patties in the coconut oil until they get a nice brown crust.  It’s about 3-4 minutes per side.
  5. Plate them up and enjoy!

You can eat these hot, cold, or anywhere in between!  In fact, I ate them all three ways this weekend!  Just make sure you store your leftovers in the fridge!  Here’s to continuing with high productivity and finishing out the first 30 days of my Cancun Challenge strong!!!  Peace, Love, and Paleo!

-Meister